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breakaXstealth
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Name: Kevin
Birthday: 9/29/1988
Gender: Male
Interests: whoa... now i can do anything... u dont beleive me??? well we'll see about dat!
Expertise: man, i dunno... there is soo manything, hit me up and i will tell yea hehe
Occupation: Student
Industry: Computers (Hardware)
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
7/16/2003
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So lily and i broke up couple days before christmas of 2008. Day before christmas eve we went out and and saw "yes man" and ate dinner. We exchanged christmas gifts and that was the end of it. We cried and went out separate ways. It was hard for us i guess but we left. I gave her a a big present. It was all thoughtful and meaningful. I gave her a long sweater that is like a see through. Saw it in a PASmagazine. got it at guess and no where had it around my area except west pavilion mall?at LA. Thought a sweater like that would keep her warm, every season. Then bought two candles from illuminate, one pomegranate one and a christmas holiday one... her fav. Bought a thick sweater to keep her warm for christmas. Bought one for me that matches for guys, bu i guess that cant happen anymore. And lotion to keep her moist for the winter. wow i really liked this chick, but that was the end of it. I got a blanket and a wallet.
After having a talk with Thu the other night, actually april 10, i realized a lot of many things. Its almost as if the whole world is turned the correct way it is suppose 2 be. Kinda funny. I had a problem asking myself if i should say happy birthday to lily. haha. I felt like i should, like its the correct nature to. But something holding me back saying that i should not and that it was hard for me to do it and not do it... Had a talk with Thu about it and she hung out with me the whole day and it was really chill of her. She is really honest with me and she really respects the way i feel because she understands where i am coming from. In the end she told me not to say happy birthday to her because it would make me even more sad. But i just thought doing it would just be a mutual thing. I unno. But yea slepted over her place and made food for her at my place the next day, april 11.
After we ate, i went out to buy some stuff. After that i called up the csa people and asked what they are doing, and they said they are chilling and preparing the csa culture nite props. So i decided to help them out. I came by and we all chilled n stuff, wasnt much. I was still thinking if i should say happy birthday to her on facebook and stuff... my inside sources told me the guy she is seeing is goin to disneyland... dont really know what happened, but i know she went to the beach. But where ever it is they went, its their problem. nonetheless i was still thinking about it and then it happened. My buddha beads broke. At that point in time i was kinda trippin out... i thought some misfourtune happened, but it wasnt. I believe the misfourtune was lily. At that moment in time i figured it was a misfourtune, and this is the way things should be.
You dont think i never found out right? I found out the end of january the following new year. I found out that she was seeing someone the end of january. Then before V-day i got confirmation that she is actually dating this guy. Haha durring V-day pretty much tested her to know if there was this someone, but nope, she lied to me. that is already expected because shes that type of person should say. Being the firend she claims to be, i gave her the whole qt. to tell me, but she still did not, haha so u got me askin... thats jus how she is... shes kind one day and different the next =T hmm oh wells. If u like someone else thats fine, but at least be honest with ur ex if u are going out... a month after break up... i felt i was kinda cheated... but me having a that comes close to 100% is too good to be true...but now everything is good, i see the funny side like joker would say, i see the bigger picture of everything. Not just my relationship with her, but everything about dating and love. Created my own philopsophy and pyschological "play" hehe.
But i think i have gotten wiser and see a lot of things. I believe i have gone through a big transformation comming to college. I remember back in HS... Hs was full of soft landings. It was easy. The people were crazy and the teachers were boring as usual. Ever since my friends and i split apart, i will always be missing my homies and hope the best for them. Finding friends was semi difficult. I joined clubs to keep myself occupied i guess. Then had the same friends in most of the clubs i have joined. I guess when i was with my homies I didnt give a fawk about girls least not much, i could careless to hook up with one. Of course they were fun, but i guess i just didnt wanna bother myself with it i guess. After the split, i started to hang out with girls more during HS, which led me to think like them i guess, weird.... Which is probably why i hang out with more girls than guys even through college.... interesting theory.
Speaking of theories, i have created my own theories and theories my friends have shared with me which i find really really interesting. maybe next time i can post my theories. I have seen a many things in my life so far, amazing how much as changed. lol. Now that i am single, i can experience whatever the hell i want, can do what i want. I think playing the nice guy roll does not really suit my style at all... If only i still had my friends, perhaps things woulda been different. I realize a lot that i have a lot of love for my homies... ganna be wicked sick when we are reunited...
big poppa - Notorious
mo money mo problems - diddy, maze, Notorious
changes - 2pac
Crossroads - bone thugs
Deep down inside you kevin you are bad... always did a lot of bad stuff, didnt care about breaken the rules, you do what you see fits. Thinking back i was pretty bad when i was a kid, during HS i adapted to being good and just being stable because of a special someone whom left. maybe that is why i turned over a new relief. But during college, i didnt notice this but i was also going through some changes too. I became more good on the outside but is bad on the inside. When i am out with friends i play the dumb roll to test people. my true self has yet to reveal itself with a pack of friends... nonetheless i am always observing and thinking psycholically. I became much wise and cunning. I think i am done playing the nice guy roll... it doesnt really suit me much... I know this for sure tho, is that i am a twlight person. I am one who sees both sides. Light and dark. Being in between. There is always a lil good in every bad people. I beleive i am one of those.
Our society is soOo stubborn on distinquishing between good nad bad people. You cannot tell unless you get to know them. I conceal my goodside and reserve it for my good friends. I think i now wanna show people that bad can be good. Understanding both sides really helps me a lot... and i cant stop thinking about everything, new theories come out.
But I also want to be able to understand the true meaning of life, what is life about that is worth living?
Everyone is born to have a purpose in their lives, is there something specific i have to do?
I think I have been out in the sun too long, i beleive is time to back into the shade
-kevin
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go on girl - ne yo
Back on the road - QT
that girl - pharrell ft. snoop dog
Life has never been the same since that day. It changed my life and the way I think, how i see things work. It is definitely a big change in my life. Cant say its good or bad but it is both. Just like the yin and yang. No matter, the situation does not change because i am living in my current situation now... i look away from the computer and typing... what is life now. Growing up in high school i thought i had figured it out. But after that day, made me feel like i knew exactly NOTHING. Amazing what has happend so far in my life =D haha. suprise i can keep a smile =T i am now kinda worried about myself because i can smile on the outside and cry on the inside. is this what they mean bittersweet?
The way i see life is about life and death. happy and sad. beautiful and sorrow. Life can be a cruel thing to have. its sad. Everyone born in this planet do not know anything and are expected 2 live. to live in a place we call home. We have no choice but to. Where as life given to us, there is no such right as the right to be born. we are forced to accept the ideals of this world and live by those rules. If planet earth had a category to fall under, what categories would earth fall under compared with the rest of the stars/planets.
Living is not easy... life is painful and it will end before anyone knows it. often times people tend to just forget about it and jus do what they are suppose 2, so they really dont see much that is going on in life. If signs is a universal existance, then people would actually pay attention to it, but from the circumstances we live in i highly dout that. We cannot pay attention to our needs and wants let alone signs. We are too busy, working, interacting, doing a lot of things that we fail to realize what is in the bigger picture of this world. Does anyone care about anything that is happeneing in this world? I do, i just cant lol
Anyways summer so far has been nothing but fail for me lol. ohh goshh haha... havnt been doing much. It was 4th of july weekend and did not have a good weekend lol.... Lol summer here in ucr isnt fun haha. I need to go out more. Since summer started, i have been thinking about last year summer, a lot. I have been thinking about how i first went to go see wicked with my ex. that was a good kick off to my summer. When i heard the new album by nujabes modal soul, the whole album reminded me of last year. I havnt heard those songs for a year and when i pulled it out, i remember ALOT of things about last year summer. I had the best 2 months summer at riverside ever when i lived with Anarie. For that i thank her for giving me such memories. At the same time, i had lily. I would have a lot of free time durring the summer, that i would just call lily up just to talk. =T it was like a planned out summer with her haha. At times i believe that i could go back to the best two months i've ever had... but i live in reality. When ever i go in the hallway next to the appartment i use 2 live in, man does it remind me of summer last year.
I have created so many memories of Lily and I and that they all keep coming back and haunting me. Unbelievable...It hurts to know, that deep down it reminds me of me being alone. I know and realized that i am alone in this environment and what i see feels i am the last of my group members. But i know that i am not alone in this world. There are others like me who are still out there. Lost and confused, successful and living. I see that every life has its own value and uniqueness. Its hard to deny the fact that we are all different in some way =T but i fianlly realized something.
Despite what i have experienced when i was a kid. Being the dumb stupid but whitty kid i was, i didnt realize what i was in for. I did not care about girls or anyone i would "like" during my kid age. I realized how many styles i had that i couldnt keep one and stick with it. Growing up as a boy was like watching the plant grow. When i think back about it now, i missed out on child hood. But the best part was that i was able to exerpience my childhood years with people i can call friends today. Romeo [rj], Ermel [ej], Muriel [el], Norbert, and Joel. I sat back and watch as all of our friends grow up together while we interacted with people. I think back now, i believe i have collected enough data to have my own stylez.
I am now sitting in commons alone thinking to myself what is life. I am thinking bout the struggles that my friends are going through and is now wondering what is life. Why is it that they choose to live the life they are living now and why isnt it that they cant live their own life and simply live? So many sad and cold are upon these people and sadly i cannot do anything about it.
I sit here wondering the days where it would be my turn to meet someone whom i can really call mine. waiting for that special someone, maybe that one, but as of now, i find it a hassle if i try 2 find one now haha. I think it is because the time for me to have one isnt now, not until i've seen everything with my own very eyes. I think it is very important to pay attention to my surroundings, because how i react to it, may change the balance, the order of this society. stay in the background and observe what is in front of you, if it is your turn to do something then execute it without fail.
Listening : NoMak - For The Children
The weekend was alright, chilled with friends like andy jennifer and jessica... so yea... cooked a lot and relieved some stress with movies n stuff....
*sigh* what is love?
hanging on to life by the thread.... will i let go? will the thread break? will someone save me?
Life is nothing but a way to express oneself while being yourself.
When the beats stop in the end, you know right there and then that is the end of everything, and right before you know it, that is what is truly important and you know that it all comes down to that in the end... u listen and u experience every little thing that is left and then...
the world we live in is sad...
life is crazy sometimes... *sigh*
-Kevin
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take care of you - jagged edge
I'm Missig you - Khrys Lawson ft T-pain.
street lights - kanye west
*sigh* things havnt opened up as much anymore. a lot of things happens and now we are in between. lol i think this is what pain feels like from love. "Love hurts" i agree, i am in it. Its hard to move on when you had a close encounter with a long friend.... all of a sudden it disappears... its like losing a friend that i can never have again.... what was there before, is forever lost and gone.... like losing a friend out in the streets... things will never be the same again...
gawd... whats going on.... like the nature is not with me anymore... I cant feel it like i normally could. When i call forth it it feels like i had 4got about everything. Like its missing. My concentration isnt sharp as it should. A great disturbance is among the atmosphere. The shield that use 2 surround me is making me vulnerable and I cant keep that guard up anymore. My shield got heavier and heavier while my fist is blazing with pain hatred and fear. The focus is lost, not in balance with myself. The pain I feel is the pain of scar that will constantly haunt me at the back of my mind. The balance is lost. The focus is lost. The pain is gained. The remenessing and the memories will be stained and scared... forever and ever looking back and looking back. Finding peace and harmony are only moments that i will find for now. Like streetlights that will forever remind me where i came from and who i am. Finding peace and harmony is like walking on an empty road not knowing where u are going and what you are standing on. Time drifts you away to a place you call "home" but i call it earth.
We know so much and too much that we are not satisfied with ourselves. We the people tend to get caught up in distractions and just "living" our daily lives. Home maybe the place that is your roots, but i think if you go out and see the world yourself, you will see something that is not like home, but another's life. We are the way we are because of our environment and morals. Life isnt the same anymore now a days.
Life also and will always lead to Love. The love i am talking about is something that comes from your heart.
"You can sail the seven seas and find
Love is a place you'll never see
Passing you like a summer breeze
You feel life has no other reason to be
You can wait a million years and find
That heaven's too far away from you
Love's just a thing others do
What is love
Till it comes home to you"
I like this quote because i see a lot of potential in this about true love, true feelings, what is real and not. Distinquish between happiness and Love. What is a dream and reality. Do people like 2 lie in the dream or reality? The unfourtunante wants 2 live in the dream, but the fourtunantes ones perfer reality. As i stand now, i want to live in the twilight between the 2. What was scared is all dreams now, what i must do is my reality. ONe canot dwell on the past for long. One needs to let go of it BUT never forgeting what was it one found hard to let go, not because it was getting to that person. Always remember where you came from. Your idenitiy is important. Dont lose yourself. Finding the difference between right and wrong. Bad and good. Evil and heroes. dark and light. black and white. For me, i beleive there is a middle, neautral, grey, twilight.
What stands in front of me now is just a mirror image of myself blocking my way. I have seen so many things of myself that i understand who i am. I know who i am and what is it i am capable of. I judge myself. I admit it. I let them laugh. I then change myself. I need to find that source that will get me in between. I need to shatter that mirror and walk upon a side that i have yet 2 experience. I am curious to as how much i will change. What is best/right for me. Need to walk another path.
"What is the most important thing in the world? And when you have lost it what will you do then?"
"Somethings will never change."
"Life, does it have a meaning? We are all given a life, but we dont understand why we cease 2 exisit."
"Love, is it something we all do, or feel like we all do? What is love now a days?"
"Life has no other reason to be."
"What is love? When it comes to you..."
*sigh*.... i wish the rain would be here now.... i need the rain 2 rain on me... ha... ha....
*sigh* we have come to terms....
-kevin
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Road to the West by Yoko Kanno
400 Years by Nujabes
so yea....been like a over a year since i last posted something... how time flies haha....
so yea nothing much happened.... i was able to get over the girl back home... it was hard... but u know how it is with girls... they come and they go.... u have feelings for someone and u know nothing ever happens... haha.... stupid idea huh?
well anyways this year was different for me.... i finally had my first girlfriend and its one of those girls that is hard 2 find.... where "its hard 2 find the one that you like, likes you, not because you like them." you agree?
well this year i found that someone.... and her name is lily li.
she's a good girl 2 chill with. One of the down 2 earth girls i've been wanting... only when u get 2 know her.... when u dont kinda dont get that... her personality is great 2 be around at times... other times its jus dumb. but you know ppl always have their downfalls you know.... no one is ever perfect. but who are we 2 judge?
i liked her.... but i didnt think she would neither... so back off kevin its never ganna happen. SO i stopped... when we went clubbing thats when she was dancing with me the WHOLE nite haha i was like... wow first experience of that wow haha... it was hot.. and i actually sweated haha.... but fawk haha it was hot haha. but before that my van broke down and we left the van at her house at diamond bar and.... and then we went with her infinity and went 2 the club haha.
when i first asked her 2 be my girlfriend .... it was on valentines day. haha who would have known huh? went to cheesecake factory... then went back home... told her i had things 2 do... i had 2 leave... she tells me the nite is young and wanted me 2 stay *hint*hint* haha...and i left and she left... i went 2 pick up the flowers nearby.... at the same time she got in her room and saw the table with gold fishes and box of chocolate... it was a great nite when i asked her...who would've known i would be this romantic huh? haha well i am!...we first met january and hitted out pretty good i should say... when i first liked her i thought 2 myself... me with a girl? "haha never ganna happen" and so i dropped it. She was supper cute and can be supper hot. She has eyes that makes her purely chinese. Which is always a plus for me. ^_^ but 2 bad she speaks only mandarin... i speak swell with cantonese haha. but anyways haha....
all swell fun n great but now.... we broke up... how i feel about her is very strong... like its there... its stupid if we broke up in stupid terms... like... if u dont get it... or u are blind from it.. not clear about the situation.... well now we are not 2gether.... i thought and think 2 myself... what is worth it... are relationships really worth it? like you have skool 2 deal with ... can being in a relationship really that worth it? some ppl go through rough times and yet are able 2 pull through without girlfriend or boyfriend... i am one n the same too... been alone for so long... too long if u ask me.... but i know it and understand the whole point of being alone.... its cold and no one out there are good ppl.... even through college.... there are ppl who are still bad. eh? i wonder how i survived childhood haha.... but looking back now is stupid and dumb... and yet i am thankful that it did happen and i learned alot from "them"....
through ups n downs.... at the back of ur mind you care for them a lot.... you still like them... sometimes i ask why doesnt lily see that even tho we fight... why doesnt she understand that i care for her in the end.... that my feelings are there for her.... i wouldnt do things 2 hurt her.... i learned from so many girls and guys... by talking and understanding what 2 do and what not 2 do.... hehe i thought i did it all correct but apparently.... i am not... hehe... it doesnt seem like ... i tried so hard 2 prove her wrong that i am not like one of those guys that she compares me to but u know... fawk.. she till thinks i am.... it seems like i have a lot of things 2 learn ... i dont know whats right and what is wrong at this point.... i've done so much....but it seems i dont get anything back... at all... like in high school... so ridiculous .... wtf....
life goes on and new ppl will come by ....
what is right and what is wrong?
*sigh* life is nothing but a dream....
looking at the stars is hard now a days.... sometimes i wonder whats up there....
where do we go from here?
where are the friends i once grew up with.... did they all forget about one another?
ive learned so many things .... sometimes... i think i know too much 2 the point where i think complex idea....
maybe i need 2 recollect myself and see this through.... need to think professionally if i am to do something that is complex and yet meaningful that serves a purpose....
what is needed in life? what is worth it? what is worth to live/die for? what purpose do "I" serve?
why do I exist to live?
we have come to terms....
-Kevin
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Life is going great ever since i last updated this haha. Right before Christmas haha.
Well since i got my TSX it has been nothing but fun for me haha until sept 25... =( the day i started skool at UC Riverside... *sigh* haha i beleive college life is a great experience, nothing like high school. Classes i got were Computer Science 10, Chem 1A, Intro EE, and Math 9A. Met many great friends and i actually enjoy that experience. I've also wanted to join a Frat, but i didnt get in, and i unno if i should.... haha. well these 10-12 weeks of my first college experience were crazy. I got 2 Koreans as my roomates who came together from Diamond Bar. Crazy roomates haha but yea its all good. Sweetmates are cool n suitmates are cool so yea.
Winter came by soo fast, i wonder will spring come just as fast... haha who knows... well asked my friend to give me a ride back home with my stuff for winter vacation. Stayed at my couz's house from thursday to monday. Tuesday i chilled with my mom, ate japanese food, and washed my car, TSX haha. Wednesday went to chuck e cheese with friends and Thursday chilled at Adri's house.
Then Friday woke up early and drove to Pomona to go visit some of my retreat friends... since i promised Pricsilla something... w0w havnt seen her since end of june haha... but yea made that up and i really wanted Sherlock, YY, and Jason to chill wid us but they said they were bzy, eh its all good. So i go early and arrive at her house until she said she cant go morning and come bak at 1, n so it was like 1130, and i used my navi and explored around pomona and came across this japanese resturant that opened like a month ago. The place was nice and the people were great and so was the manager... and so i jus lagged my lunch by killing time and watching TV. And so she calls and i pick her up and we go to the Punte Mall. Watched Pursuit of Happyness and met up with some of her friends. I met a new friend named Kimberly and got invited to her sweet 16th party on Saturday. Then we go to Diamond Plaza to take these pictures where u can declorate them, japanese stylze haha crazy...i was suppose 2 be in all, but i was jus in one of them. and so we went to a tea shop and ate there and took her back home and drove to my couz's house.
Then Saturday i invited my couz, Bryan, to my friend's sweet 16 party down at Irvine haha. But i didnt wanna go unless i have a gift for her, so i got her a teddy bear dressed as a monkey haha it was cool haha so picked Pricsilla up and went to the party. Ate, chilled, and watched Lady in the water. haha that movie isnt scurry and it was pretty cool. After that we went to go watch Curse of the Golden Flower, movie was awsome haha it was cool! so yea it was late, like 1030ish? and went to go bowl but decided not to, and dropped Pricsilla bak home and drove back home. and knocked out.
Sunday came and drove bryan to get his hair cut and went back home, and ate lunch. Then drove home to the Outlets with my Couz's family and shopped haha. Then drove to City Buffet and ate dinner there and met up with my parents and my other couz, Irene, and her parents came in unexpectedly haha w0w haha. then Went back to my house to get some stuff and drove back to LA.
Monday was Christmas and i woke up early in the morning and went to Mount High to go Snowboarding. It was a great experience haha i luv it haha i wanna go again! haha
well yea thats my vacation so far, as for christmas, i dont need anything yet. im cool with anything. Deng life is starting 2 get crazy haha.
~i beleive i need to improve this new life of mine~
-What is the most important thing in the world to you, and when you have lost it what will you do then?
-What is Life without mothers?
-What does thy desire the most?
-Later on winter? cya sometime soon yea?
-Kevin
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